Today I sat in Mrs. Lady's Doctor office and gave her the mediocre report on the prior week's accomplishments. Not being one for "assignments," Mrs. Lady Doctor is careful to avoid "making" me do anything, as the improvements to my life (and mental health) are to be made of my own volition. That being said, Mrs. Lady Doctor also knows that I have absolutely no volition, so if I'm ever to move forward, someone has to give me a little nudge in the right direction.
I sat on her couch and told her how "floopy" I had been the previous week, how "off of my game." She asked about the frequency of these "off weeks," but I couldn't give her an answer. In addition to my lack of volition, I also don't pay attention. "They come and go," I said, "but I couldn't tell you if there are triggers. Maybe it's hormonal... I don't know." I trailed off and looked absentmindedly into the middle distance (an uneasy feat in her tiny windowless office).
"Canary," she began, "let's be practical..." I instantly knew that I wasn't going to like what she was about to say. Practicality? Not one of my strong points. "You didn't finish what you began because you simply didn't want to." I started to argue because, really, who comes out and says such things? I mean, sugarcoat it a little, would you? Be kind to my poor, needy self and deliver the blow with some honey and cream.
But that's not what I pay her for, so I quickly changed my mind. Besides, she was right.
I took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes. "You're right," I conceded. "I didn't want to do those things, but I can't tell you why... I don't know why I didn't want to."
She smiled and said, "That's okay. Determing WHY you didn't want it is another issue for another time. Today - and from now on - you're going to call a spade, a spade. No more playing games with yourself."
Hot damn. Game-playing. That's what I was doing... I was playing games with myself! And what's more? These weren't fun games. These were horribly long and intricate games with little to no payoff, like Eurorails or Fluxx. Not even a bag of chips, some French onion dip, and a cold bottle of beer could make these games better.
Mrs. Lady Doctor is going on vacation so I have the next three weeks to get my ass in gear and stop with all of the bullshit. My assignments? To 1) recognize when I'm lying to myself; then 2) stop lying to myself; and 3) take a small step toward the light.
Small steps. Movement. Welcome to the one-canary woman's movement.
Post-Birthday Reflections
15 hours ago
5 comments:
Hmmm, 3 weeks, huh?
No matter how long the journey, they all begin with a single step.
That cliche not good enough? Let's try this one...
Old Irish Proverb - Two Shorten the Road. If two can shorten a road, consider how much shorter yours is because you share it with all of the interwebs.
Really, you had to pick on Fluxx? Monopoly I could buy, but not poor Fluxx....
Monopoly is a quick and easy game. If you want to kill a good 4-6 hours you need Eurorails.
My wife does truly want to get better, but that journey is alot of work and carries with it the uncertainty of what the destination will be like. At times, her depressed rut was just too familiar to leave for the unknown future.
I am not saying you are in the same space. It is just what I have seen in my limited experience.
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